Wednesday 3 May 2017 by Lucas Wilde

“We’re going to leave it to Batman” admits Diane Abbott


Diana Abbott to call on Batman

Diane Abbott has finally admitted that Labour’s crime policy is basically “Batman will do it”.

The Shadow Home Secretary made the admission following a string of mathematical errors regarding police budgeting that made the stupid kid in your maths class look like Stephen Hawking.

“She was just trying to stall,” said Labour spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“Nobody wanted to give away the surprise before our manifesto; that all crime-fighting will be down to Batman.

“That’s just a great plan for everybody. We’ve looked at the box-office figures and can confirm that everybody loves Batman, so this is obviously a great idea.

“Jeremy took some convincing, he’s not a great fan of people taking the law into their own hands, and he’s still mildly dubious about the police taking the law into their trained hands.

“But then this bloke called Alfred Pennyworth had a word, and they bonded over a mutual love of allotments and servitude and now everything’s in place.”

Batman growled, “I’m fictional. This is a terrible idea.

“But it’s still better than Brexit.”

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