Wednesday 3 May 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Devil confirms that contract is binding and Theresa May can’t have her soul back


Theresa May's soul owned by the Devil

Following the discovery that the Brexit process is likely to be something of a shit-show, the Devil has reminded the Prime Minister that there is no way for her to extricate herself from the contract between the two of them and her soul remains his.

“I just want to be clear,” said the Devil, or Ed Sheeran, as he’s better known.

“That when we signed the contract, it was just that she would become Prime Minister in exchange for selling her soul to me for all eternity.

“There was no proviso for idiotic Brexit referendum choices, or Scottish independence, or Donald Trump touching you. She’s Prime Minister, I get to keep her soul, and that’s that.

“We went through all this with Tony Blair.”

There had been speculation that following Nicola Sturgeon’s recent independence referendum speech and the recent Budget U-turns that Mrs May would seek to have to contract annulled on the grounds that ‘being Prime Minister is just bullshit.’

“I’m sorry, but she should have thought of that before she signed,” said a clearly unsympathetic Devil.

“Being Prime Minister isn’t just burgers with Barack Obama in the garden, you know.”

The Devil also took time to confirm that the contracts were equally binding for Boris Johnson, Jeremy Corbyn and David Walliams.

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