Tuesday 2 May 2017

Riot police on standby as Waitrose confirm avocado shortage


avocado

Police are expecting violent confrontations after Waitrose admitted the global avocado shortage could affect in-store supplies.

With changing global weather patterns ensuring a poor avocado harvest in 2017, middle-class shoppers have been warned that the nightmarish prospect of avocado-free salads and smoothies might soon become a reality.

“I will cut you,” explained Simone Williams outside Wokingham’s branch of Waitrose when told of the shortage.

“You will pull that last avocado from my cold dead hands; I promise you that,” she added, with a steely glare deep into the reporter’s eyes.

Experts have warned that a run on avocados could see black market produce flood the streets of middle-class towns across the country.

As one consumer rights activist told us, “We’ve already heard reports of some unscrupulous suppliers selling pears painted dark green for five quid a go. This is how society crumbles. Mark my words.”

Riot police remain on stand-by, though insiders claim there is no way to adequately prepare for the onset of middle-class violence.

As one experience officer explained, “I’m happy taking on a football hooligan swinging a baseball bat, but women sporting a raft of withering put-downs? I’m sorry, we’re just not trained for this.”

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