Friday 28 April 2017 by Neil Tollfree

If I was that bothered about men bumming each other, I’d have put it in a commandment, insists God


God on homosexuality

Following the furore surrounding Liberal leader Tim Farron’s thoughts on gay sex and some homophobic cake-based nonsense, popular deity God has broken his silence on the matter.

“Listen, the ten commandments were the bits you were really supposed to listen to,” boomed God from on his cloud.

“I was very clear about this to Moses, it was the reason we etched them in stone.

“Don’t kill, don’t steal, always worship me…that one was Moses’ idea by the way, I always thought it was a bit egotistical.

“To be honest, I’ve never really had much of an opinion on bumming or frottering or whatever you people decide to do with your genitals.

“I would certainly never deem it an important enough matter to issue a stone commandment one way or the other.

“In fact, the very fact that I gave you genitals and that they’re really rather fun should indicate that they’re at the more recreational end of the human spectrum.”

At this point someone shouted up at God – ‘but what about Leviticus 20:13?’

“Right,” continued the bearded overseer of everything.

“Firstly; deity speaking. Show some respect. Secondly; Leviticus Shemiticus. Work on the commandments first and when you’ve all stopped killing each other with wars, famine, corruption, and pollution then we can talk about Leviticus. It’s mainly filler to bulk out the book for the publisher.”

At this point, God refused to take any further questions as Corrie was on and he’d forgot to set the Sky+.

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