Thursday 27 April 2017 by Arabin Patson

United Airlines could be budding serial killer


United airlines rabbit

After a rabbit entrusted to United Airlines was found dead, there has been mounting concern that the airline seems to be getting bolder and may go after human prey.

Former FBI profiler, Brock Flint, called United’s recent behaviour a “classic escalation pattern”.

He referred to the airline’s maniacal destruction of musical instruments and the recent assault on a passenger as precursor attacks.

The expert also highlighted other warning signs such as an unwillingness to engage honestly, and an inability to view other people as fully human. Mr Flint fears the press attention has emboldened United and given it a taste for the limelight.

Speculation that the FBI is considering assigning a special team of mismatched experts is mounting after a box of United Airlines in-flight magazines was found in a dumpster near the company’s headquarters.

All the eyes in every picture had been meticulously cut out and every item on a list of Five Things To Do in San Antonio had been replaced with graphic descriptions of sexual assault and murder.

Asked for a comment, a spokesperson for United read an eloquent but overly long diatribe about the role of predators in the ecosystem and how killing was inextricably linked to giving life.

However, after the press conference, several reporters found an envelope in their coat pockets. The envelope contained tufts of fur and a note saying “Let the games begin!” in beautiful cursive handwriting.

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