Tuesday 25 April 2017 by Davywavy

Wetherspoons ban customers for not swearing enough


Wetherspoons pub

Wetherspoons have introduced a four-epithet minimum to ensure their pubs keep their distinctive character today.

Pledging ‘zero tolerance’ for people who don’t swear like drunken fishwives in their pubs, Wetherspoons have made it clear they know who their core demographic is by renaming their breakfast deal the ‘Big bastard’ and serving it with two pints of Stella.

The deal will only be available before 11am.

“Sam Smiths have banned people from swearing in their pubs, and we think there’s a huge untapped demographic of customers for whom that’s pretty much all they do – which is where Wetherspoons on a weekday afternoon comes in,” said Sticky Carpeting Director Simon Williams.

“It’s vital that we ensure an uncomfortable and slightly threatening environment for all our valued customers.

“We’re thinking of introducing a dress code as well, which means we’d turn away anyone without a neck tattoo and tracksuit trousers during the hours of daylight.

“You bunch of fu…fu…fu…”, he added, before falling over.

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