Tuesday 25 April 2017 by Davywavy

Shoplifters delighted by return of Woolworths


woolworths coming back

People nostalgic for their teenage shoplifting days are delighted by the news Woolworths is to return to the UK high street.

Woolies was the spiritual home of the light-fingered after WHSmith installed CCTV in the 1990s meaning they could no longer nick magazines off the top shelf when nobody was looking.

Former shoplifters praised the ‘Woolies experience’, saying that no other single shop could give you the experience of running off down the street with a couple of CDs, a paint roller and a plus-size bra whilst an angry pensioner shouted at you from behind the till.

“It means I’ll be able to take my kids and teach them to distract the solitary pensioner security guard whilst I fill my pockets with batteries, greetings cards and a bird-feeder – just like my dad did me,” said Simon “Saz” Williams, 43 (Convictions).

“I’m hoping they get the same security people in as most of them will be blind or deaf by now,” he added, knuckling away a wistful tear.

“Happy days.”

Retail experts suggest the returning store will quickly return to profitability after visiting their local cinema and discovering Pick ‘n’ Mix now costs more than nuggets of purest gold.

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