Monday 24 April 2017 by Lucas Wilde

HR treating ‘staff outings’ as surrogate social life


HR staff outing

Your office HR lady has planned 17 staff outings this month.

Mary Taylor, 36, has literally nothing else going on beyond whatever’s on telly in the evenings.

“So let’s all go bowling outside of office hours!” beamed Taylor, lightly glazing your chin with spittle while her terrible breath wages war upon your nostrils.

“It will be fun. We can do boys against girls and the boys can let the girls win and then we can have cocktails.”

Your colleague, Simon Williams, said, “I’m not a boy. I’m 41 years old and, for both of those reasons, I hate bowling.

“Anyway…this really can’t go on. I get that Mary’s life is essentially empty and I would be sad for her if she wasn’t quite so casually racist all of the time but I really do need to see my wife at some point.

“Plus, I do actually have interests outside of work. I haven’t been badger-baiting for weeks now.”

Mary said “Ha! Classic Simon. Always a joker. That’s the Welsh for you!

“What? Oh don’t be silly, the Welsh don’t count.

“You’ll come to the bowling, won’t you? And then to the bingo the week after?”

Office manager, Jay Cooper, said, “Honestly, we would all have told her to fuck off dozens of times by now if she didn’t also control the payroll.

“And we can’t fire her because our CEO pinched her arse at the office party.

“All things considered, this is a dreadful place to work.”

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