Saturday 22 April 2017 by Neil Tollfree

The Shire elects Saruman as new leader


The Shire, Election, Saruman

In a stunning turn of events, the hobbits of the Shire have elected Saruman as their new leader.

Saruman, also known as Sharkey, narrowly beat opponent Lotho Sackville-Baggins in a closely fought election which ultimately hinged on hobbits reaction to Saruman’s controversial ‘scouring the Shire’ policy.

“Yeah, look, I know that Saruman wants to do that scouring thing, you know, to use ruffians to despoil and corrupt the Shire,” said a Saruman supporter.

“But the other guy? Lotho? Well, he’s a bit scruffy isn’t he? I mean, I liked his policies of, you know, not scouring the Shire, but he didn’t have that sense of strong leadership that Saruman can provide, and that’s what we really need in these uncertain times.

“He’s going to need ruffians as well, you know, for the scouring, so that’s good for local employment, isn’t it?”

Local newspapers The Daily Hobbit Mail and The Daily Hobbit Sun, who both would financially benefit from a scouring of the Shire, both backed Saruman from the start with headlines such as ‘Lotho – what a cabbage,’ and ‘Hang the traitorous hobbits who don’t support Saruman’.

It is understood that Saruman will begin the scouring immediately.

“Yeah, it is a shame, you know that Shire will be scoured. I mean, it’s such a nice place,” continued the Saruman supporter.

“But, I might get a tax cut in a year or two. So that’s definitely worth it.”

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