Friday 21 April 2017 by Tommy Wolder

Queen to spend 91st birthday slumped in underpants on sofa wondering what she’s done with her life


Queen's Birthday

In contrast to last year’s national festivities, the Queen is to spend her birthday slumped in her pants on the sofa, drinking strong lager, and binge-watching old episodes of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum.

It is understood that Her Majesty wishes to celebrate her birthday in a manner more in common with normal people.

“Her Majesty will not be dressing for her birthday,” confirmed a Palace spokesperson

“She will rise at around midday, shuffle to the sofa in her pants and lie down with a big sigh.

“After several bowls of Frosties, Her Majesty will crack open her first can of Kestrel Super Strength from the crate that has been positioned next to the sofa.

“A butler will then set the first series of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum playing and leave Her Majesty to her birthday existential crisis.”

It is expected that halfway through the third episode of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, as Sargent Major Williams is shouting at Gunner ‘La-de-dah’ Graham for being fey, Her Majesty will break down in tears as she looks back on what she’s done with her life.

She will then spend a good hour or so alternatively raging and sobbing at her empty life of duty and cold marriage before cheering up several hours later when Sargent Major Williams kicks a chai wallah up the arse whilst telling him to ‘shut up’.

Then she’ll have cake.

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