The unidentifiable column of rotating meat in a kebab shop has announced it self-identifies as lamb and would like its wish to be called that to be respected.
The meat told us that the announcement follows a long and heartfelt search for its true identity after years of feeling it was in the wrong, Golden Retriever body.
“Yes, I wasn’t born lamb but that doesn’t mean that’s not who I am on the inside”, the meat told us.
“It’s prescriptive and discriminatory to claim that just because my DNA says I’m mostly horse and squirrel I can’t be who I want to be; a little fluffy bouncing ball of fluffy lambdom on a hillside. Or in your pitta bread.
“I’ve always felt like lamb, even when I was running around chasing a ball and woofing.
“And if you say otherwise then I think the problem is with you, not me.”
Reports from the United States suggest that people will be allowed to shoot anyone taking a kebab into a public restroom.