Monday 17 April 2017 by Davywavy

Jesus respawns, activates God mode


Jesus guns

Jesus Christ, Lord and Saviour of Mankind, has respawned after getting crucifragged on Friday.

Blaming the three-day wait on serious lag caused by a Virgin account, Jesus is understood to have spent three days of Hell in the lobby waiting to reconnect.

Christ described his connection speed as ‘so slow I may as well having been riding on a donkey’.

Members of Christ’s guild, The Disciples, are delighted by His return as they face defeat without their healer, although it is understood that Judas Iscariot has already ragequit and deleted his account for unknown reasons.

Jesus has promised to carry the whole team, and the entire server, saying that “When you could see only one digital footprint, that was when I was carrying you.”

Jesus’ involvement in the world has been mired in controversy since he joined. Readers may remember King Herod engaged in ‘aggressive spawn point camping’ when He first joined resulting in the deaths of thousands of noobs.

Critics of Christ say his success is down to using backdoor exploits built into creation, and accused him of multiaccounting.

“He’s playing three characters on one account,” said Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies.

“Father, Son and Holy Ghost as one player. How can that be fair?

“I hoped the banhammer they used to knock the nails in would be permanent, and I’m very concerned about favouritism and nepotism from the mods now to say the least.”

Christ has responded to the allegations by getting out his BFG – Big Fucking Gospel.

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