Friday 14 April 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Star Trek style United Federation of Planets ‘unlikely’ to allow Earth to join


Planet Earth to join federation of planets

A report recently commissioned to evaluate the possibility of Earth joining a Star Trek style United Federation of Planets has concluded that if such a federation were to exist, it would be unlikely to allow Earth to join.

“Well, the first problem is that they’d only really be interested in planets who are, if not unified, then could at least get along,” said report author and fictional planetary federation expert Simon Williams.

“Frankly, it’s not so much that we don’t really like the French that’s the problem, but more that we think people from the next town over are a bunch of nobbers.”

Mr Williams went on to describe the dangers inherent in First Contact.

“If Vulcans landed in Wiltshire, the first thing everyone would do is accuse them of coming to get our benefits. Then we’d stick them in a boat, push them off into the English Channel and claim they were someone else’s responsibility.

“It wouldn’t be a great first impression.”

However, even if the Earth was admitted to the hypothetical Federation, we might be the architects of our own downfall.

“Well, I’d imagine that it would go swimmingly for ten years then we’d get a bit cross because we’d think the Klingons were getting far too many space-pounds, and finally we’d strop off in a big huff because of a rumour that the United Federation of Planets were trying to straighten our bananas.”

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