Thursday 6 April 2017 by Neil Tollfree

UK signs lucrative new deal to supply Saudi Arabia with dunking stools, stretching racks and iron maidens


Theresa May on Saudi deal

The UK has announced a lucrative new deal to supply Saudi Arabia with dunking stools, stretching racks, iron maidens (not the band), and anything else that went in the skip following the London Dungeon’s move to the South Bank.

“This is a good news day for Britain,” said the Prime Minister.

“The sale of dunking stools, stretching racks and iron maidens (not the band) will be a major boost to our medieval torture instrument industry.”

But Mrs May has faced criticism for allowing Britain to become complicit in a brutal regime’s torture.

“No, they told me they definitely won’t be using dunking stools, stretching racks and iron maidens (not the band) to actually torture people.

“I would imagine that they probably just want to set up a fascinating museum or have some amusingly themed fancy-dress parties at Halloween.

“I’m sure it would be a convincing party or museum as well. While I was there, I saw an ornamental whip hung on the walls that had been decorated with fake blood that was incredibly convincing.”

Mrs May also told of how she used the visit to show her support for women’s rights in the region.

“Yes, I didn’t wear a headscarf whilst I was selling them the dunking stools, stretching racks and iron maidens (not the band),” she said proudly.

“So that showed them.”

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