Friday 31 March 2017 by Davywavy and Raymond S Badger

Grand Moff Tarkin announces timetable for Alderaan leaving the Empire


Death Star

The Grand Moff Tarkin has laid out a ‘clear and meaningful’ plan for the Planet Alderaan to make an orderly departure from the Empire this morning.

Speaking after Princess Leia activated Article 50 on Wednesday, Tarkin confirmed that Imperial plans would leave Alderaan with flexible border arrangements and easy access to deeply buried natural resources.

Princess Leia’s actions are understood to have caused a ‘great disturbance’, and insiders suggest that the Wampa Monsters on Hoth are already demanding another referendum on whether to leave the Rebellion.

Telling reporters that leaving the Empire is punishment enough, Tarkin confirmed that he will enter negotiations with clear red lines – which he expects to be produced by the gigantic reflector dish on the side of his space station.

“It is clear that Alderaan departing the Empire will cause millions of voices to cry out in panic, but it is their decision.

“Our actions will be firm but not punitive,” he told us. “I think it very fair to say that we are missing Alderaan already.

“But not more than once.

“You may fire when ready.”

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