Wednesday 29 March 2017

Dyson begins work on new 10,000-watt vacuum cleaner for proud Brexiters


Brexit Vacuum cleaners

A vacuum that can suck the bricks out of a wall will soon be sitting under the stairs of all proud Brexiters, according to James Dyson.

Freed from the shackles of EU bureaucracy that insisted vacuums be made environmentally friendly, new hyper-powered vacuums will become the norm for proud Brits who won and don’t mind telling you so.

Brexit voter Simon Williams told us, “The benefits of Brexit are hitting us already. A vacuum so powerful it will dim the streetlights when you turn it on is just the first step. Today I will eat a banana shaped like a horseshoe – up yours Brussels!”

A Dyson spokesperson explained that although 10,000 watts might be considered excessive for something designed to pick up dust, research has shown that this is what Brexiters want – and what the people think they want is all that matters now, apparently.

They told us, “Sure, we’ve never made a vacuum above 1600 watts, and it will be very big and very expensive, not to mention we think a 10,000-watt vacuum would be capable of irreparable damage to your home – but Brexiters don’t care about warnings from experts about the potential harm caused by their decisions.

“We’ll just put a Union Jack on the front and they’ll happily pay an extra £500 for it – everyone is happy.”

Environmental campaigner Sheila Matthews told us, “Sure, I’d prefer more energy efficient machines in our homes, but seriously, I give it a week before we hear about the first machine removing a Brexiter’s genitals.”

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