Monday 27 March 2017 by Dan Sweryt

Douglas Carswell quits UKIP after being told he can’t wear leggings


Douglas Carswell quits UKIP over leggings

Thinking man’s idiot Douglas Carswell has quit UKIP after the furore caused when he wore leggings to the UKIP Parliamentary Party meeting.

It was a double blow to him, as he is the only member.

Carswell himself said, “Leggings are frankly too tight for people to have to look at. Whilst all of these people have the option to look away, they shouldn’t have to, because that’s not what the dictatorship to which we all aspire would do.

“That said, I bloody love how they feel on my legs. Their tightness makes me feel really sexy and I can feel all the girls in Parliament looking at my long, slender legs.

“Which I shave.”

Professional mouth and former former former UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, said, “Wearing leggings is a sign of youth and UKIP’s stance on the matter is that we should all adhere to be like it was in the 50s, when we still had poverty on a massive scale and hadn’t discovered oil, so were being shafted left, right and centre paying for energy.

“Ah, those were the days!

“Douglas, whilst I appreciate his sterling contribution to dickheadedness, should not be wearing leggings at all.

“Perhaps when he was a nubile, young woman it would have been okay – but this behaviour has caused many problems in the mind of your average UKIPian, who enjoys letching over ‘sexy birds’ whilst also declaring their distaste over how things are nowadays.

“Don’t forget: I very much like telling people how they should be, what they should wear and how they shouldn’t be foreign.

“And, much to my bemusement, a lot of people listen to what I say on the matter. Which is, frankly, completely incomprehensible. Much like my regular blathering.”

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