Home Secretary Amber Rudd has called on UK businesses to publish lists of ‘subversives’ who use the messaging service WhatsApp.
The app, which costs fuck all, has soared in popularity in recent weeks among violent jihadis and regular cheapskates.
Rudd says the lists should include both full-time and part-time workers, especially if they look a bit foreign.
In a typically measured response to the Westminster attacks, she outlined a series of proposals – including deportation for texting someone during your lunch break.
She went on to describe WhatsApp users and anyone on Yahoo Messenger as the ‘enemy within’.
An estimated twenty billion WhatsApp messages are sent every day by terrorists who use the sophisticated encrypted software to find out when their contact lenses will be ready.
Meanwhile, the CBI have stepped in, describing Rudd’s proposals as ‘divisive’, ‘damaging’ and ‘fucking stupid’.
But the minister hit back, adding, “Why give a job to a foreigner using WhatsApp when it could be given to an indigenous worker on T-mobile’s ‘Mates Rates’?”