Friday 24 March 2017 by Alex Webster

Government salutes the bravery of the people whose funding they’ve just cut


UK police funding cut

The government has praised the police for protecting the public despite savage cuts they have imposed upon them.

Prime Minister Theresa May made a speech yesterday honouring the bravery and vigilance of the Metropolitan Police, while conveniently forgetting to mention that her party has been systematically underfunding them for years.

The Prime Minister said, “We are all impressed with and thankful to the Metropolitan Police. Both of them deserve great praise.

“A part of me couldn’t help but wonder how things would’ve turned out if we’d given them all the money they needed, but it was either that or an OLED television in the House of Commons canteen. And we all love The Daily Politics show. Second homes don’t come cheap either.”

Counter-terrorism officer Simon Williams commented, “We are grateful for the kind words of the Prime Minister, but unfortunately, the people who supply our equipment won’t accept a video of Theresa May saying nice things about us as payment against their invoices.”

The prime minister concluded, “The government has promised to make police funding a priority at the next budget. Or maybe the one after that. Whatever.”

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