Thursday 23 March 2017 by Davywavy

Terrorists told that the only way to make Londoners shit themselves is to open a dodgy kebab shop


Doner Kebab

A dodgy 3am kebab is the only known way of making a Londoner shit themselves, terrorists have been told today.

Whilst going round blowing things up is all very well, if they want to make a Londoner’s bowels really loosen, a late-night snack made from that lamb which has been rotating on a skewer for most of the last month will do the trick.

Kebab shop owner Shimonu Al-Williams told us that he has been executing a carefully planned reign of terror against Londoners for over a decade, largely by having a two-star food hygiene certificate and staying open when the clubs chuck out.

“If you want to cause a Londoner to sweat in terror as their innards coil and seethe, try feeding them one of my Lamb Supremes before putting them on the Northern Line home,” he said.

“It’s faster, easier, they pay me, and, more to the point, my method actually works.

“And like your methods, there’s no way of knowing when the explosion will occur. All they can do is pray!” he said with a diabolical laugh.

“Would you like chili sauce on that?” he added.

“That’ll be seven pound fifty, mate. Have a good night.”

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