Tuesday 21 March 2017 by Pete Redfern

Widespread rioting after Waitrose announces end of free coffee offer


Waitrose free coffee

There have been reports of rioting across Britain today after Waitrose announced the withdrawal of its popular offer of a free coffee to loyalty card members.

Hundreds of thousands of coffee scroungers, who for the past three years have enjoyed the exquisite luxury of a free coffee every day from Waitrose at no cost whatsoever to themselves, have expressed unbridled rage at the news that in order to be eligible for a free coffee they will now have to make a purchase.

John Lewis Partnership spokesman Eleanor Gay told reporters, “This is not the end of the free coffee offer – the coffee will still be free, we’re just asking customers to make a small purchase before helping themselves to one of our tasty beverages.

“Sadly, we’ve had to introduce this measure as it transpires around 80% of people who came through our doors were just here to grab a free latte and then bugger off.”

Since the announcement, several stores have reported bloodshed and brawling in the aisles, with the rioting customers being offered a free copy of the Waitrose magazine in an attempt to placate their anger.

After hearing the news, livid cappuccino addict Simon Williams spent two hours outside his local Waitrose in Wokingham staring angrily at the coffee machine that for years had brought him so much joy.

“I can’t believe it,” he said to anyone within earshot, “How can they do this to us? They actually want us to buy something, the bastards!

“What’s the cheapest thing you can buy in Waitrose?”

He was then witnessed hurrying inside to purchase a single loose organic Shiitake mushroom.

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