Tuesday 21 March 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Nigel Farage demands his face be projected onto the White Cliffs of Dover


Nigel Farage White Cliffs of Dover

The occasional leader of UKIP, Nigel Farage, has demanded that pictures of his own face be projected onto the White Cliffs of Dover.

This follows pictures of Dame Vera Lynn being broadcast on the famous cliffs in honour of her 100th birthday.

“Look, Dame Vera’s a remarkable woman,” said the future temporary leader of UKIP.

“But, if we look at who has done more to curb the machinations of Johnny European in recent years then frankly I win, and so I don’t understand why it’s her face and not mine that’s projected on the cliffs.

“Yes, perhaps I’ve never travelled to a war zone to entertain the troops, but that seems jolly dangerous. What I have done is continually perpetuate myths and bias in order to further my own career, and I was doing that long before Donald Trump, by the way.

“I mean, if I can’t have a knighthood for that, and for some reason that seems to be off the table, then I think this would be a fitting tribute.”

However, there were practical problems with the prospect of projecting Mr Farage’s face on the cliffs.

“It’s his massive wobbly jowls,” said a lighting expert.

“If you projected those against the cliffs then the pronounced wobbling of the jowls combined with the chalky nature of the rock would make it look as if the cliffs were unstable and ruin the whole effect.”

But that’s not the only problem.

“Yes, he’s also a massive c**t.”

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