MI5 has confirmed they weren’t spying on Donald Trump because their agent was ‘too busy’ shagging his wife, Melania.
In a dramatic intervention this afternoon, Bond, who is regarded as one of British Intelligence’s premier assets, denied reports that he had been spying on the President as he had been ‘on the job elsewhere’.
GCHQ confirmed that reports an agent had been ‘working undercover’ actually referred to Bond’s activities in the first lady’s private suite in Trump Tower.
“I gave her the best seeing to. The very best. Lots of people are saying so,” said Bond with a wryly amused raised eyebrow.
“My job often involves fighting a man with metal hands, but never a man with very small ones.
“The only tapping I did was Melania’s ass,” he coolly confirmed whilst shooting a ninja armed with a Polonium sword.
MI5 confirmed that they’ve got a lot of experience in dealing with fat, bald weirdoes with a beautiful female sidekick, and they’ll just push this one out of his airship into a volcano as usual when the time comes.