A woman well into her second bottle of fizzy wine can read you like a fucking book, thank you very much.
Office Manager, Eleanor Gay, announced her ability to know exactly what you’re thinking five hours into a works ‘do’ last Friday while repeatedly falling off her chair.
A self-taught psychology expert, she completely sussed you out after less than five minutes, using a special intuition to make snap judgments and massive assumptions about your life which cannot ever be wrong.
She said, “Give me ten seconds, and I’m basically inside your brain.
“From that point, every time you open your mouth you’re simply confirming everything I already know about you and everyone else like you.”
The woman went on to ‘out’ several colleagues who didn’t yet know they were gay, before explaining Maslow’s hierarchy of needs to a toilet attendant for an hour and a half.
She added, “I’ve been blessed with a unique ability to combine an in-depth knowledge of both astrology and psychology.
“It’s just a shame my first and second husbands couldn’t handle that.”