Monday 13 March 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Theresa May’s schedule mainly just playing video games and ‘torturing peasants’


Theresa May leaked schedule

A schedule for the Prime Minister that was discovered by a member of the public on a train has revealed that Mrs May divides the majority of her time between playing video games and ‘torturing peasants’.

The schedule for a Tuesday in January reads as follows:

7am-8am – Torture Peasant just to hear him scream

8.10am – Smoothie.

8.30am-10.30am – Call of Duty. Must get headshot ratio up.

10.30am – 11am – Torture peasant and wash my face in his tears.

11am – 11.30am – Brexit shit.

11.30am-2pm – World of Warcraft. If Foxy buggers up the Deadmines run again, sack him and get Gove back in. Devious little bastard, but a reliable healer.

2pm-3pm – Torture peasant and laugh at his agony.

3pm-3.30pm – Bring back Grammar Schools.

3.30pm – 5.30pm – Grand Theft Auto. Apparently, running over prostitutes gives you more life. TRY THIS LOL.

5.30pm-6pm – Toast Topper.

6pm-7pm – Torture peasant until his blood runs like a river.

7pm – The One Show. Mary Berry’s on.

The schedule is a fascinating insight into the day-to-day workings of the Prime Minister.

“Well, I think most people knew how much she enjoyed torturing peasants,” said political commentator Simon Williams.

“But the passion for video games is more of a surprise, although the fact that she hasn’t even past Deadmines in World of Warcraft does raise serious questions about her ability to run a coherent dungeon party.”

“Something that will no doubt cause Number 10 serious embarrassment.”

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