Ford’s new Focus ST will use Satnav to identify schools and hospitals and automatically turn up the stereo when you drive past.
Executives described “Wanker” mode as being like ‘Sport’ mode in that it disables traction control, but also disables the exhaust silencer and the headlight dip function with a flick of a switch.
“Our objective here at Ford is to make the driving experience easier for our average driver,” said Ford spokesman Simon Williams.
“And extensive market research shows that our average Focus driver is twenty-three years old and consistently off his tits.
“And the car he’s driving is over 80% likely to have been nicked within the previous six hours, so we’ve stopped worrying about things like resale value and bodywork.
“We’ve made several styling changes in response to demand from our core demographic, including a knicker hook and an ankle rest next to the rearview mirror.
“We don’t believe they’ll ever be used, but our customers want to be able to tell their mates they were.”
New models will also come with a complimentary voucher for a Chlamydia test.
Other innovations include the foglamps being on continuously – unless it is foggy in which case they don’t work – the indicator switch functioning as another horn, and the throttle automatically dipping aggressively when paused at pedestrian crossings.
Florists have responded with delight at news of the new Focus, and have already started laying in extra stocks of roadside flower displays in confident expectation of bumper sales.