Chancellor Philip Hammond has returned unharmed the six children of various members of the Institute of Fiscal Studies after receiving their backing for his National Insurance rise in yesterday’s budget.
The IFS issued their backing at lunchtime and brought to an end the dramatic events that followed the Chancellor’s controversial Budget.
Initially, the IFS were silent regarding the Budget but early yesterday morning it became apparent that several members’ children were missing.
“My daughter Simone is normally a very early riser,” said IFS member Simon Williams.
“But this morning, there was no sign of her. On checking her bedroom, the bed was empty and the window was open.”
On little Simone’s pillow was a chilling note written on the back of a spreadsheet saying simply – Please consider your position regarding the 2% increase in National Insurance contributions from the self-employed.
Other IFS reported similar situations.
“I knew immediately, it was that bastard Hammond,” continued Mr Williams, bitterly.
“There’s nothing he wouldn’t do to get his own way. But what choice did we have?”
At midday, the IFS declared their support for the plans and the children were returned unharmed.
The Chancellor had remained silent over the affair until all the children had been returned and then made the following brief statement.
“I am grateful for the support of the Institute of Fiscal Studies and I hope now that certain think tanks will remember what happens when they f**k with certain Chancellors.”