Thursday 9 March 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Philip Hammond deflects Budget criticism by performing striptease


Skinny Topless man

Chancellor Philip Hammond has responded to criticism over his decision to raise National Insurance by performing a slow, erotic striptease.

At a hastily convened press conference, Mr Hammond refused to answer questions such as ‘why did you go back on your election pledge?’ and ‘what other promises are you going to completely disregard’.

Maintaining eye-contact with the Telegraph’s political correspondent, the Chancellor slowly loosened his tie whilst making seductive thrusting motions with his hips.

The room fell silent.

As Mr Hammond unbuttoned his shirt, beads of sweat broke across the foreheads of even the most seasoned correspondents.

In a dramatic moment, the Chancellor ripped his vest in two, tossing the pieces into the throng of journalists who scrambled to collect the material.

But the room was silenced by the sound of the unbuckling of a belt. The Chancellor’s belt. As he removed his trousers, Andrew Rawnsley from the Observer collapsed in a dead faint.

The Chancellor completed his strip-tease by facing the television cameras and slowly dancing in complete silence.

The striptease, which was broadcast live on both Sky news and the BBC, seems to have won over critics.

“Frankly, I was quite angry,” said Simon Williams, a self-employed zebra painter from Glossop.

“I voted Tory, and they’d gone back on their promise.

“But after seeing the Chancellor staring into the camera, naked but for a micro-thong, playfully stroking his thighs, I’m completely convinced of their ability to govern the country sensibly.”

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