Thursday 9 March 2017 by JS Harding

Couple admit to achieving major life milestone without feeling the need to broadcast it online


Couple not on social media

A North London couple were coming under fire last night after friends learned that they had achieved several major life goals without going on and on about it on social media.

John and Nicola Barnsley, of Hampstead, were recently spotted coming out of their local hospital’s maternity unit recently by friend and known gossip, Lucy Plum.

Upon seeing the couple emerging with a small bundle of joy, Lucy told us how she immediately checked her phone to see if the Barnsleys had posted any updates regarding the new arrival.

“I was really surprised as they hadn’t posted a series of cloying messages about how brilliantly efficient their biological functions have worked. Not even a single sonogram of the bump.

“It was like they thought they could do something in their lives and not feel a compunction to let everyone know what, where and why.”

Mr and Mrs Barnsley were unrepentant regarding their reticence when pushed for comment by reporters.

“It’s nice that people are interested, but really, there are millions of things going on all the time that are much more interesting to look at than another pink, crying, shitting machine.”

The couple then confessed that they have already had three other children, cruised around the world and started their own ‘mainly dairy’ farm in their back garden in recent years, but ‘couldn’t be arsed’ to share their experiences online.

“But don’t tell Lucy, for God’s sake.

“She already lives vicariously through her friend’s milestones as it is.”

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