President Trump has announced a huge federal investment in the area of penis enlargement research.
The $10million investment is the administration’s first solid commitment to scientific research and will be a relief to those who were concerned with the recent hawkish rhetoric on Defence spending.
“For men with freakishly small genitals, every day can be devastating,” said the only Presidential candidate to ever publicly defend the size of his own penis.
“And even though my own penis is a normal to above-average size, I want to help and support those men whose penises are so small that they lead an existence of daily psychological torment.
“Which I definitely don’t.”
Whilst many men with small genitals just get on with life and don’t let it bother them, there are some who are so riven with paranoia and insecurity that they are forced to make grandiose gestures of power to bolster their own fragile egos.
It is understood that Mr Trump’s interest in the field of penis enlargement came about after it was revealed that a variety of potions, creams and ridiculous pump devices that he’d bought for a friend had all failed to bring about the desired results.
“I just want, in my lifetime, for penis enlargement to become a reality.
“For no real reason.”