Thursday 2 March 2017 by Dan Sweryt

Newcastle United 2017/18 kit to feature crotchless shorts as Mike Ashley bids for Agent Provocateur


Mike Ashley, Newcastle United, Agent Provocateur

Newcastle United’s players will adorn high-leg crotchless shorts for the 2017/18 season, after Mike Ashley’s Sports Direct look to take over ailing lingerie firm Agent Provocateur.

Ashley himself said, “This is a great day for Sports Direct, a great day for Newcastle United, but most of all a great day for me.

“The players will be proud to wear the name of such an iconic brand as Agent Provocateur on their chests.

“Obviously not literally on their chests, because that bit is cut out, and it’s all sheer and see through and there’s not really enough material, per se, to actually write words on.

“Also, the back is just three wispy bits of silk holding the thing together, so we’re going to have to figure out how to get the names and numbers on the players.

“We could put them on the top of the shorts. Though the top of the shorts is sort of about two-thirds of the way down the bum crack.

“Oh, you know what! It’s obvious now I think about it! We’ll just write the players names and numbers down the stockings! Silly me!”

The Championship leader’s star players Ayoze Perez, Mohamed Diame and Jonjo Shelvey are due to model the ‘jezebel scarlet’ home and away kits as well as the new stiletto ‘over-the-knee’ style football boots early next week.

Buff underwear model Gary Lineker said, “I’ve already done this to be honest. It’s yesterday’s news. They’re gonna have to do something a lot more shocking to shock me.

“Buy my crisps!”

The deal will also see the stadium renamed to the Skimpy Panties Stadium for the foreseeable future.

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