A woman who drives to the shops in a spotless 4×4 that has never left central London has successfully offset her vast carbon footprint by sharing a harshly worded Facebook link about climate change deniers, it was confirmed last night.
Hawley Perkins, a cupcake naming consultant from Chelsea, has had the heating on since September and has enough Air Miles to fly to the moon, but insisted that the half-arsed rant about people who don’t believe in climate change makes her carbon neutral.
She told reporters how she “just had to make a stand for the sake of our beautiful planet” after she felt some kind of “odd, guilt-like feeling” at her prodigious consumption of non-renewable energy.
“So I shared this awfully nicely written story I found online. It was rather hard-hitting – it had a picture of a puny-looking iceberg and everything.
“And what do you know! 350 likes and counting.
“That made up for the Internet making me feel all sad for being a prime example of dumb-arsed, coal-burning dunderhead who blindly swans around being of no use to anyone while the planet melts, burns and starves around me.”
Reporters and well-wishers who attended Ms Perkins’s press conference were given a celebratory goodie bag stuffed with fireworks, coal and specially-commissioned plastic water bottles with labels featuring her face grinning inanely in celebration of a moderately popular Facebook share.
Ms Perkins later expressed her ‘actual’ sorrow when it emerged that the plastic bottles were not suitable for recycling and were pretty much all just luzzed into the Thames.