Every public restroom in the United States will have an armed ‘lavatory marshal’ to protect people from transexuals under proposals unveiled today.
Under the new rule, conveniences throughout the United States will have a twitchy, slightly perspiring man with a concealed weapon to protect innocent bystanders from what is being described as ‘The Tranny Menace’.
House Republicans confirmed that people using the wrong toilet are now a considerable threat to the freedoms enjoyed by Americans, and the way to make everyone feel safer is to increase the number of concealed firearms in public places.
Although there are no known instances of someone being assaulted in a lavatory by a transexual, and plenty of instances of people being shot, supporters of the bill warned that could change at any moment and the only logical thing to do is to find the sort of people who want to hang around in a toilet with a gun and pay them to do it.
“We aren’t going to stand for this shit,” Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters.
“Before using any public lavatory in the United States, people will be required to show both current ID and birth certificate.
“Some guy in a dress comes into the bathroom; the lavatory marshal will be fully within his rights to blow him.
“Away. Blow him away, damn it. Sorry, thinking about something else for a moment there.
“Anyway; it’s completely outrageous that a transexual might catch a glimpse of a lady’s genitals, but makes perfect sense for an agent of the state to demand to do so on the possibility she might be a man pretending.
“God Bless America.”