Thursday 23 February 2017 by JS Harding

Supernaturally sweaty gym-goer has ‘no plans’ to ever wipe his perspiration off the equipment


Gym sweat

A man whose levels of perspiration have are ‘even worse than Lee Evans breakdancing in a Saharan greenhouse’ has confirmed that he has ‘no plans’ to start wiping up the pools of sweat that he leaves on the gym equipment.

Simon Williams, a 43-year old hairy-backed tubster from Dunstable, has invoked complaints from his fellow gymgoers after continually leaving cross-trainer handles, seats and treadmills coated in an unpleasant sweat marinade upon completing his session.

“Bloody geezer can’t even bring himself to give the equipment the most half-arsed, cursory of wipes,” moaned a fellow regular at Ad’s ‘Nasium, Williams’s local, overpriced and perfunctory collection of gym gear.

“So, we try to get the worst of it off ourselves – otherwise grabbing the handles of the exercise bike is like grappling with an eel in a bucket of hot butter.”

Williams was unrepentant when asked to comment on his prodigious levels of sweat and thoughtless behaviour as he rocked the rowing machine at Ad’s.

“Just a bit a sweat, innit,” murmured the hyperhidrosis-afflicted twerp, as tidal waves of perspiration flew from his skin.

“Everyone does it, it’s proof that yer working hard and so I’m not gonna be mopping it up anytime soon.

“Now fack off!”

Gym manager Ads admitted that he was too tight to employ staff to mop up after gym users, but was considering providing a ‘Caution: Slippery Floor Surface’ sign as they are going quite cheaply on Amazon.

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