The FA has confirmed that eating a Cornish Pasty will damage your career more than common assault, placing thousands of bets and taking diving lessons off Tom Daley.
Speaking to reporters, a spokesman for the FA said that having a laugh the one time in your life the cameras are on you brings the good name and reputation of Association Football into disrepute far more than Actual Bodily Harm on a teammate.
Barton, who is hotly tipped to represent England on the 3m diving board at the 2018 Commonwealth games, has twice been convicted of assault without his career being overly derailed – leaving some fans wondering if the fate meted out to Wayne Shaw may not have been a little harsh.
“There’s a clear difference between Joey Barton and Wayne Shaw,” an FA spokesman to us.
“Wayne is a harmless, friendly fat lad who we all feel comfortable bullying, while Joey is quite good at football and great for advertising revenues, merchandising and ticket sales.
“Obviously, it would be entirely unreasonable for his career to be damaged for spending time in prison.
“Besides, we’re all afraid he’ll twat us one next if we say anything.”
Meanwhile, UEFA has confirmed that while Luis Suarez might have taken a bite out of three other players, taking a bite out of a pastry-wrapped mixture of cheap steak and potato on the telly is ‘clearly’ a more severe infraction and a career-ending offence.