Tuesday 21 February 2017 by Charles Oliver

Suicide bomber shortage means ISIS now offering 80 virgins in the afterlife


Terrorist recruits

A series of defeats mean that Islamic terror organisations are offering ever-increasing numbers of virgins in the afterlife to drum up interest.

Recruiters for ISIS increased the reward for the faithful from 72 to 73 virgins after losing control of Aleppo, only to see Al-Queda immediately outbid them with a limited-time 75-virgin offer.

The Muslim Brotherhood countered with an exciting new interpretation of the Koran which showed their members get 78 virgins in the afterlife, resulting in Hezbollah upping the bidding to 80 to stay in with a chance.

“Five years ago, we could just post footage of us driving round in Hilux pickups waving AK-47s and shouting Allah Akbar to attract loads of gullible cannon fodder,” said ISIS recruiter Shimonu al-Williams.

“But now everyone knows what a Hilux looks like after getting hit with a Hellfire missile, so just a gun and a chant has become that much less attractive.

“As our resources have been degraded we’ve had to increase intangible benefits, such as the retirement plan.

“Eternity in paradise, all the sherbert, grapes and pomegranates you can eat, and eighty virgins to you squire. No? How about ninety? A hundred?

“Okay, a hundred and fifty, but you’ve got to blow yourself up today.”

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