Thursday 16 February 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Omnipotent deity who oversees all of creation mainly interested in what you do with your genitals, insist Bishops


House of Bishops

Despite a vote to reject a House of Bishop’s report that warns against gay marriage in church, the bishops have reiterated their claim that God’s primary concern is what humankind decides to do with its genitals.

“While I would never presume to understand God’s thinking,” said House of Bishops member Simon Williams, “I am, somewhat paradoxically, absolutely convinced that he definitely doesn’t want people rubbing their bits against other people’s bits that take the same form as their own.”

It has been suggested that God’s primary concerns at present should maybe focus on child refugees, famine, disease, impending climate disaster and what bake-off will be like on Channel 4.

“Well, they’re all definitely really important,” continued Bishop Williams.

“And I’m certain God will crack on with sorting all those things out just as he’s dealt with the really important business of men who prefer to put their penises in places that are not a lady’s vagina.”

The bishops insist that God’s priority of making sure everyone uses their genitals appropriately is very clear from one line in a book thousands of pages long that has been revised and translated numerous times since it was written many, many years after the main protagonist died, and by people who’d never actually met him.

The vote against their report is a blow to the Bishops who were hoping to move on to the urgent matter of coveting your neighbour’s ox in the modern world.

If you don’t like gay marriage, don’t get gay married

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