Tuesday 14 February 2017 by JS Harding

Women ‘shocked’ as scientists prove that people weigh exactly the same even when wearing black


Woman in black

Women across the UK were left ‘shocked’ and hastily re-evaluating their wardrobes last night after boffins confirmed that wearing black clothes does not make the wearer any less fat.

And the claim that ‘black is a slimming colour’ has been perpetuated for so long that its aim has backfired.

Professor Simon Williams of Blackpool University, who led the research, explained how it has become normal for a ‘typically unsuspecting, dopey’ man to assume that any lady they encounter dressed in black is ‘trying to hide something’.

The revelation has stunned disciples of the darkest hue, with fears growing that undertaking exercise and attempting cake avoidance may now become a reality.

“But 90 percent of my garb is black,” moaned one woman, who asked not to be named.

“I feel cheated. All these times when I’ve been feeling a bit porky and made myself feel better just by slinging one of my endless supply of jet black tops on – you mean I didn’t actually lose any weight?

“Next they’ll be saying that having a token can of Diet Coke at lunchtime to go with my vast pile of chips and outsized cupcakes doesn’t really do much good either.”

Professor Williams went on to say that his research group are now focusing their efforts into analysing the claim by British men that holding their beer belly in every now and then tricks all of womankind into believing that they are some kind of superhuman adonis complete with rock-hard abs.

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