Friday 3 February 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Police issue warning about dangers of black market iceberg lettuce


Iceberg Lettuce

With news that the country is facing a national shortage of iceberg lettuces, police have issued a warning against buying iceberg lettuces from illegal black market suppliers.

“Only buy iceberg lettuces from reputable sources,” said Chief Inspector Simon Williams of the Metropolitan Police’s fruit and vegetable division.

“If you buy from illegal black market iceberg lettuce dealers then you are breaking the law and feeding a brutal, ugly industry.”

Chief Inspector Williams went on to explain the dangers people who use illegal iceberg lettuces could face.

“These are criminals; they don’t care for you and your family. They cut the iceberg lettuce with anything to make it go further, so you could take a bite and think you’re getting iceberg lettuce, but in reality, you could be eating butterhead, cos, or even a plain loose leaf. They have no conscience.”

Sometimes, it’s not even lettuce at all.

“I saw one terrible case of a lady from Darlington who lost several teeth after biting into what she thought was an iceberg lettuce but was actually a bowling ball that some bastard had painted green to pass off as a lettuce.

“I’m sorry for the language, but the things I’ve seen, they drive you to it.”

Chief Inspector Williams had some very simple advice for anyone tempted by black market iceberg lettuce.

“Just buy some cake instead, it tastes nice, and it’s unlikely to be a bowling ball in disguise.”

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