Friday 3 February 2017 by Gary Stanton

Church summer camp beatings went undetected due to excessively loud version of Kum Ba Yah


Church camp abuse allegations

A loud acoustic version of the Church classic Kum Ba Yah may be the reason that child abuse went undetected at a summer camp, according to the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Most Rev, Justin Welby, says that despite being present at the camp when vicious spankings took place in a nearby tent, he heard nothing due to the camp sing-song being in full flow.

The holy man claims had he suspected anything untoward, he would have broken off mid-song and launched an in-depth investigation into the sleazy goings-on.

Kum Ba Yah is a camp favourite, and on the night of the alleged beatings, a particularly raucous version was underway fuelled by nothing more than grape juice and holy rapture,” he told us.

A forensic analysis of the guitar used at the camp noted that it was a twelve-string Breedlove Atlas, which is capable of an output of fifty decibels, roughly half the noise of a Ryanair flight to Belfast.

Guitar expert, Simon Williams, said, “The Breedlove Altas is the king of acoustic guitars, which means that the sound of a cane falling on naked upturned buttocks would have gone completely undetected.

“Add to that the prevailing wind direction at the time of the assaults, when many observers witnessed campfire sparks blowing away from the obligatory communal shower area.”

Welby said, “I did notice that some of the clapping was slightly out of time with the rest, but it never occurred to me to check on this.”

The alleged abuse raises a number of serious questions for the Church, such as what the fuck does Kum Ba Yah mean anyway?

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