Thursday 2 February 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Scientific advances mean Michael Gove may finally be able to fuck off far enough


Michael gove fucking off

For many years now, it has been assumed that it was physically impossible for Michael Gove to ever actually fuck off enough, but thanks to a new scientific advance in fucking off he could actually fuck off enough before the end of the year.

“The problem with a creature like Gove,” said Simon Williams – Professor of fucking, pissing and sodding off at Oxford University, “Is that that you tell him to fuck off, he fucks off to somewhere else – perhaps a nearby park or Starbucks, and everything briefly seems to be fine. But then you realise that he is still actually nearby.

“So, you tell him to fuck off again, and he does so and the process repeats until he is literally on the other side of the planet and he’s still not fucked off enough and then when you tell him to fuck off again, because of the curvature of the earth, he actually starts moving towards you.”

It’s a baffling problem that has confounded scientists ever since the emergence of Michael Gove. But now they seem to have the answer.

“It’s a giant space catapult,” explained Professor Williams.

“You tell Michael Gove to fuck off, and the catapult flings him miles into space. Which seems to be just about enough.”

Sadly, this new advance almost certainly won’t be able to make Boris Johnson fuck off enough.

“Good Lord, no,” chuckled Professor Williams.

“Boris Johnson fucking off enough?

“We’re not miracle workers.”

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