Thursday 2 February 2017 by Tom Moore

People who did ‘Dry January’ not feeling so smug this morning, reveals study


DRy January hangover

People who absolved from alcohol throughout January are today feeling like shit warmed up, a study has revealed.

According to the study, around 100,000 men and women who spent last month feeling smug and sanctimonious, now feel just as miserable as the rest of the country.

Peak smugness occurred at around 7pm last night when a huge groan of pleasure could be heard resonating around the country as thousands took their first sip of alcohol in 2017.

By 9pm metropolitan police reported a 700% rise in alcohol-related incidents as a large number of ‘self-righteous millennials’ began getting aggressive and shouting ‘what’s the point in anything, we’re all fucked’.

The study shows that despite the added health benefits of Dry January, thousands of people will spend the day at their desk staring at Twitter wishing they weren’t alive.

Simon Williams, the author of the research, summarised the report’s findings: “We found a direct correlation between those who had their first drink last night, and those with a heightened sense of dread and despair this morning.

“Men and women who maintained a steady and regular relationship with alcohol will today find themselves better equipped to deal with the rigours and hardship of 2017.

“Those without the reserves and strength to cope with a hangover in today’s climate will probably find it the longest 24 hours of their lives.”

When asked if he had any advice for those dealing with their first hangover of the year Simon responded “Easy. Stay away from news websites and social media. Don’t talk to anyone, read anything, look at anything or think about anything.”

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