Thursday 2 February 2017 by Dan Sweryt

Parliament decides it’s vital we shoot ourselves in the correct foot


Parliament votes on Brexit

A bunch of idiots elected by a country of idiots have voted that it’s critical we decide exactly which foot we want to shoot ourselves in, rather than just picking one at random and going with it.

The prime minister said, “The country taken a vote and decided to shoot ourselves in the foot. Now, it’s imperative the Government take our time because it’s important to shoot ourselves in the right foot in the most efficient manner possible.

“I mean, ‘correct’ foot. It’s not necessarily the right foot. It might be, but we’re not quite sure yet.

“Obviously, we’ll undoubtedly hit ourselves in the thigh first, followed by the knee, then the calf, the ankle and finally we’ll be successful in half-blowing our foot off, with all the tendons and bone hanging out in a right old mess.

“Then we can all rejoice at a job well done!”

Head of the Department for Misunderstanding Metaphors at Oxford University, Emeritus Professor Simeon Williams, said, “Clearly, we’ve decided something as a whole and should be held accountable to that, progressing it regardless of the outcome.

“It’s a journey through a desolate wasteland, then into a zombie-infested area, then a radioactive, lifeless, nuclear apocalyptic desert, to our desired destination where irradiated mutant poisonous hydrae eat our children and mercilessly torture us whilst keeping us alive with magic, despite it being clearly signposted the whole way with hourly warnings of the treachery on Google Maps.

“But, you know, we have to do that now, what with the referendum being legally binding and all.

“At least, that’s what my colleagues in the Department of Irony and Heavy Sarcasm keep telling me.

“Even America’s forgiven Chelsea Manning for her past mistakes, but I’m pretty sure the UK economy is a less forgiving beast.”

Brexit means Clusterf*ck – get the t-shirt

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