Thursday 26 January 2017 by Neil Tollfree

New study finds crisps could prevent Necrotising Fasciitis


Crisps prevent necrotising fasciitis

A new made-up scientific study has shown that eating crisps could prevent the flesh-eating disease Necrotising Fasciitis.

Necrotising Fasciitis was responsible for a panic in the nineties after a statistically normal number of people contracted the infection and newspapers used the shocking nature of the symptoms to boost circulation.

“This made-up study certainly does seem to indicate that crisps could help in the fight against Necrotising Fasciitis,” said fictional scientist Eleanor Gay.

“Which, if you think about it, really makes sense because you don’t really see people going about with necrotising fasciitis anymore, and people do eat a lot of crisps so there’s got to be a connection hasn’t there? I mean, that’s just common sense.”

The study, being completely made-up and therefore quite meaningless, didn’t specify exactly how many crisps the average person would need to prevent a case of Necrotising Fasciitis, so let’s just say nine kilograms a day.

“Nine kilograms of crisps a day?” exclaimed credulous buffoon Simon Williams.

“That’s a lot of crisps, but if it means I won’t get my face eaten by a flesh-eating bug then it’s worth it.

“I hope mini cheddars count,” he added, poignantly.

This made-up study follows hot on the heels of another pseudo-scientific breakthrough about mushrooms preventing dementia.

If the Daily Express would like to use this story for their front page tomorrow, please contact Newsthump using the contact forms above.

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