Tuesday 24 January 2017 by Thomas Gane

Piers Morgan emasculated by his own reflection


Piers Morgan emasculated

Piers Morgan has spent the last three hours engaged in a blazing argument with his reflection, which he accuses of emasculating him.

The incident occurred because Morgan, a human adult, was left in his dressing room alone for two minutes by an assistant at Good Morning Britain.

Morgan, who is not a child, was unable to tolerate the fact that he was alone with nothing more than his own thoughts. The encroaching realisation that he was Piers Morgan and had been his whole life led him to search for conflict as a distraction.

The row started over a pencil left on the table by the mirror. After staring at it for a few seconds, Morgan rounded on his reflection and exclaimed, “you purposefully left this here to emasculate me! To make me think, ‘that looks like a dick!’

“You’re saying I have a pencil dick,” he screamed. “Well I don’t! I know Donald Trump! He calls me champ!”

Morgan was later seen chewing the pencil.

“We have a policy not to leave him alone, so we’ll be reviewing what went wrong here,” said GMB producer Jessica Sax.

“At the very least we should always leave him a rattle or a piece of string to play with.

“He should tire himself out after another hour or so,” Ms Sax continued.

“If not, we’ve got a laser pen and a picture of Donald Trump that normally tempts him out.”

At the time of writing Morgan was accusing his reflection of being a “lefty luvvie snowflake” and has sent 1,467 Tweets about the ordeal.

A visibly relieved Susanna Reid presented the show alone.

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