Tuesday 24 January 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Every man, woman and child on the planet attended inauguration claims Trump administration.


Everyone at Trump inauguration

The new Trump administration has sought to draw a line under the controversy surrounding the number of people attending his inauguration by stating categorically that every living person on the planet was there, even the ones who weren’t.

The statement was made by White House press secretary Sean Spicer, shortly after calling the press core a ‘pack of c**ts’ and punching a reporter in the face when he tried to ask a question.

“The official attendance for President Trump’s inauguration,” said Mr Spicer, foaming slightly at the mouth with loathing for the journalists with whom he was forced to share a room.

“Was 7.5 billion people, or the entire population of the earth. If you had been there, which you were because everyone was there, you would have seen the magnificent sight of 7.5 billion people stretching back along the National Mall.”

Reporter Simon Williams tried to argue the fact, saying that he personally was covering a protest happening in New York at the time of the inauguration.

“That is FAKE NEWS,” blasted Mr Spicer, hurling a desk stapler into the face of the hapless Mr Williams.

“According to our figures, everyone on the planet was at the inauguration so Q.E.D. you were at the inauguration. It is impossible for you to have been anywhere else.”

Mr Spicer then brought the press briefing to a close by placing a loaded gun on the podium and glaring menacingly at the press core.

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