Monday 23 January 2017 by Gary Stanton

Lone assassin tries to kill Donald Trump with slices of burnt toast


Burnt Toast White house

A ‘lone wolf’ assassin has tried to kill the US President by giving him lots of burnt toast for breakfast.

CIA operative, Chuck Williams, is currently working undercover in the White House kitchen, where he has access to bread products and a state-of-the-art toaster.

Williams maintains that overcooked starchy products like crisps and toast are more lethal than a well-armed US teenager awaiting psychological evaluation.

Experts say that for toast to be safe it should be the same golden shade as Donald Trump’s cum-set bouffant.

However blackened toast contains lethal quantities of acrylamide, which causes increased cancer rates in rodents, and possibly fascist cocksuckers.

Williams looked on with glee as Trump wolfed down the feast and prepared to celebrate his place in history.

Williams said, “We may have to wait a few weeks before the president starts to feel unwell and eventually becomes dead.”

The would-be assassin believes US history could have been very different if Lee Harvey Oswald had attempted to murder JFK using potato waffles cooked on a George Foreman grill.

Depending on the outcome, the 42-year-old plans to take out Vice President, Mike Pence, with a family pack of Quavers.

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