Wednesday 18 January 2017 by Davywavy

Hogwarts ordered to take more Muggle students to meet inclusivity targets


Hogwarts

Hogwarts School has been ordered to take more Muggle students or risk losing its charitable status.

The school, which practices an ‘extremely selective’ admissions process, is understood to be appealing the order, claiming that the new rules will destroy the traditional character and unique environment of the school.

Hogwarts has also come under attack for receiving elite sport funding for Quidditch, or the Flying Ball Game, as it is sometimes known.

“Hogwarts already does a lot of work in the wider community, such as providing mentoring, outreach and saving the world from Dementors and Death-Eaters,” said headmistress Minerva McGonagall.

“We were founded under a strict charter that would make it impossible for us to integrate members of the Muggle community without effectively destroying our specialist teaching environment.

“For starters, they’d almost certainly be eaten by giant spiders, torn limb from limb by whatever it is living in the first-year cloakroom or murdered by members of Slytherin.”

Campaigners have criticised Hogwarts as only accepting students who are ‘born with a magic wand in their mouths’, but McGonagall rejected the accusation and insisted that students are accepted entirely upon merit in key areas such as their ability to cast actual spells.

Simon McWilliams, Holyrood Minister for Grievances, told us that the Scottish government had a clear mandate to increase the production of grievances by 30% over the life of this parliament.

“This marks part of our ongoing commitment to levelling down wherever possible,” he said.

“Just because Hogwarts is a school for wizards, we see no reason why they should be allowed to continue discriminating against the squib community.”

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