Monday 16 January 2017 by Tommy Charles

Operation to remove malignant Michael Gove from Donald Trump’s colon ‘a complete success’


Gove removed from Trump anus

An operation to have Michael Gove surgically removed from the arse of Donald Trump has been a success, according to reports emerging from the US.

Mr Gove was reported missing late yesterday afternoon by his wife, who became concerned for his well-being after receiving a string of cryptic, rambling text messages.

Later in the evening, the President-Elect complained of constipation and an uncomfortable feeling in his abdomen before being rushed to the hospital, where an X-ray confirmed that he had a malignant Gove clamped firmly in place inside his colon.

Surgeons immediately took Mr Trump into theatre, where an operation to remove the dangerous parasite took nearly six hours but was declared a complete success.

“He had crawled right up in there into the depths of the colon,” one of the surgeons reportedly said.

“It was a very difficult procedure because he was desperately clawing into the patient like his career and relevance depended on it.

“As parasites go, this is probably the most vile I’ve ever come into contact with, both aesthetically and in its behaviour.

“When we eventually cut it loose, it scuttled away like the xenomorph in Alien after it bursts out of John Hurt, only this one was uglier and covered in excrement.

“All in all the procedure can be considered a success and the President-elect is doing well in recovery and in good spirits, all things considered.

“No, we don’t think he’ll have any trouble paying the £600,000 medical bill for it.”

It is believed Mr Trump developed the Gove shortly after conducting an interview with him, in which the creature gushed and swooned all over him, kissing his backside before eventually slithering his whole body up into the anus.

Mr Gove returned home after the operation, and although he appeared on television today looking flustered and babbling incoherently, he is said to be recovering well.

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