Wednesday 11 January 2017 by Davywavy

Stephen Hawking to replace wheelchair with gigantic golden throne and send his mind into the Warp


Stephen Hawking

Stephen Hawking wants to replace his wheelchair with a golden throne and send his mind into the Warp, according to a funding proposal submitted today.

The project, which Hawking describes as his greatest one yet, will open up previously unsuspected vistas of science and raises the tantalising prospect of proving the theoretical possibility of faster than light interplanetary travel.

The proposal describes the new throne, which would be managed by a cadre of technologically adept physics students, as acting as some sort of ‘beacon’ which would allow mighty craft to traverse the void of space in safety.

Hawking has been confined to a wheelchair ever since he did terrible battle with Alex Cox after a disagreement over the exact words to Monty Python’s Universe Song.

However, the Higher Education Funding Council is understood to be reluctant to approve the application, citing ‘astronomical’ costs and concerns about maintenance demands which include the daily sacrifice of thousands of undergraduates to keep the thing ticking over.

“In the post-Brexit environment there needs to be a clear economic benefit to research in order to boost Britain’s balance of trade, and airy-fairy ideas of ‘Sitting immobile while engaging in mental battle with Khorne the Blood God’ simply isn’t specific enough for this to be taken seriously”, we were told.

“What tangible benefits will that generate to increase trade with Ghana?”

“While we appreciate the theoretical side of Professor Hawking’s work, we think funding research into innovative jams and spreads much more closely aligns with our objectives at the current time.”

“And tell him we’re not calling him ‘Emperor’, either.”

Hawking is reported to be furious with the decision, telling the council that he didn’t want to go into the details of his recent work, but “If you dumbos don’t fund this, Britain’s primary export is likely to be Chaos Demons for pretty much the rest of eternity.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: